Looking at her wedding band, tears sliding down her cheeks, Sophie cannot help but wonder if she had made different decisions in her life if it would have made a difference. In her mid thirties, a mother of two healthy and beautiful children, a career and loyal husband, she has all a woman would dream of. But there is this void inside her that no one seems to be able to fill.
Her fifteenth wedding anniversary is just around the corner. She is wondering where all those years went and if she fulfilled all the goals she set out for herself. She feels so lonely tonight. The kids are out at friends, her husband is off to work, and she is all alone in the house, sitting on the corner of her bed. Normally she would enjoy this time alone. She would take advantage of it to clean up the house or just to relax in a hot bath. But tonight is different.
Gazing at the open bedroom doors of her children, she is reminded of how time flew. She recollects the time when those bedrooms were filled with a crib and baby accessories. Now she sees posters of bands, a T.V., a mini stereo and even a phone in their rooms. She has been giving so much to them, of her time and loving. She counts her blessings to have experienced the birth of a child and all that goes with it.
Deep in her thoughts, she remembers when she was younger, a teen, and she would set out goals for her future. Thinking back in time she sees herself resting her head on her mother's lap, telling her that by the time she reaches twenty-five she would be married, have two children, a house, a car and a career. She has all that now and still there is a major void in her.
Her married life is good. There have been ups and downs, but they survived through it, by talking out their problems together. The passion they felt when they first met is gone forever. It has been replaced by a day-to-day survival sentiment. They know each other by heart, so it seems. If it is the case, why hasn't he picked up on her void? She surely would have noticed it in him.
Being a mother, a wife and a career woman is not always easy. So many people depend on you. You always have to be there and ready for any unexpected task that might happen. But who is there for us? Sophie lost her mother in her teens. She matured very fast by that lost. She is used to taking charge of any situation that lies before her. A husband who needs clean shirts to go to work, her children who need a ride to go somewhere, etc. The list is endless. But who is there when she needs something?
Sophie, as always looked at people with her soul. She has many friends that care for her when she is in need, but then again do they really know what is up with her? She is always smiling, even when she feels like crying her heart out. When she does, people think they know why, but they do not. Maybe her mother would have known, but she is not around to ease her pain.
Being the confidant of so many of her friends, she has a special something that her friends love in her. She can always figure out what is really wrong with them. She looks deep inside. She knows that even if they are smiling they are hurting and she helps them feel better and go on with their life.
She has wondered so many times where is that special someone who could fill her void? Where is her soul mate? Does such a person really exist? Every time she thought that such a person had entered her life, she was always disappointed in the process. Maybe she is not really looking for wild passionate love, for it is always at first between two people, but then it dies off slowly. Then what? Do you go looking for it again elsewhere? Once you jump the fence, you will always go back for more. She has invested too many years in her family life to just throw it all away on a night of passion. No, what she is looking for is much deeper than passion.
She always has been a giver, an initiator. She gives her love and attention to her family and friends. She is always there when someone needs to confide in her. She is always there for anybody, even a stranger. People thrive on her positive energies. But again, who is there for her? All she wants is a bit of attention for herself. She has that from her dear friends, but is it enough? For she has to ask for it when she is in need.
Silent tears are pouring down her face as she looks back on the past. She feels her chest tightening and leaving her almost out of breath. Laying herself on the bed, in a foetus position, she cries and cries. She knows that when she is done, she will be relieved and will be able to continue her road in life. How she wishes that at this very moment a pair of loving arms would comfort her. No one in her day-to-day life has seen her in this state. She cannot allow them to, for she is their strength.
Falling almost asleep, she can see her mother's face in her soon to be dream. She is there smiling at her and holding out her arms to her. Sophie, without even thinking, runs into her arms crying like a child who just lost his ice cream cone to the sidewalk. The love and warmth she feels from her have no words in this universe to describe it. Unconditional love, is what it is.
This is the void in Sophie's life. What she has been missing for so many years. The only person in your existence who can really see, even if you are smiling that you are hurting so badly inside, is a MOTHER. Sophie has been a mother to her children, to her husband and to some of her friends, but no one has filled the position for her in such a long time. Even when she was hurting she had to call her friends and tell them what went wrong in her life. Always initiating. That is what is missing in her life. Not the passion of a new romance, or a win at the lottery, but pure unconditioned love.
Waking up to a damp pillow, Sophie feels much better now. She will be able to continue her journey in life with her family, until next time when she feels down. She knows deep down her mother heard her cry and came to comfort her has any mother would her child. It was not tangible, but it was the next best thing for her and she needed this to go on. Maybe someday she will meet that special someone who will love her unconditionally, who knows? But for now, all she has are the memories of her mother. She has to make the best of it and look on the positive side.
Looking at her wedding band, she looks at the circular shape of it and is reminded that life is a circle of love and unity. All the sacrifices she has made and still will be making seem all worth the while. She may be a wife, a confidant and even a career woman, but first and most important of all she is a Mother. Sophie knows now how important it is to be there for her own children. For she does not want them to suffer the pain and ever know the void she has been feeling lately. She vows that she will always be there for them, even if it is in their dreams.
Written by:
Pandora, April 2000
"Reflections" truly is a living proof that in situations of adversity it could be turned into an equivalent opportunity. The story was written by the author when she was in a profound state of dilemma in search of life's meaning.and was incapacitated by the writer's block syndrome. Yet with stern determination to express her profound feelings, she could achieve the impossible. This story has touched the hearts and brought tears to the eyes of many of those who have experienced such depresive emotional swings. -- Patrick Rotcivz
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